Just one of those nights when I get hit real hard with the realization that I’ve been wasting my life away just having fun. I really wish I had a time machine so I could redo my life starting from Sophomore year of high school. It seems like everyone else has got their lives all figured out and I’m the only one that’s just lagging behind. I need to stop being so lazy and stop choosing fun over my responsibilities. I’m not a kid anymore. If I keep this up, I’ll end up disappointing my mom and ruining my future. 

I just keep thinking that I’m always missing out on things and on life. I can’t let go of the fact that I missed out on so much of my childhood because of my Dad. I blame him. But then again, maybe he’s not to blame. Maybe I’m being immature and irrational and just lashing out on the easiest target. Who knows. All I know is that, now I’m forced to think that if I ever say “No”, I’ll miss out on something and regret it. I just realized this too. I realized that the reason why I say “Yes” to things even though I KNOW it’s the wrong decision is because I don’t ever want to miss out on anything ever again. I want to experience everything even if its bad, just so I can say that I’ve been through it and that I’m just like you even without a father-figure growing up. I know what your thinking. I know it’s bad to think this way but how am I supposed to fix something this big? How am I supposed to fix something when it grew and grew from childhood? The roots are so deep. 

I also have this habit of needing to please everyone. I think this also comes from my Dad as well. I know it’s not my fault that he left. But I sure as heck wasn’t enough of a reason for him to stay. I wasn’t enough. So now, I have this mindset to be enough for everyone else and to please everyone else. Sometimes I put up this fake front and say what I think others want me to say or act the way I think others want me to act. They don’t know the real me. No one knows the real me. It’s going to take 1000 years and a really sturdy hammer to break through the walls that I built. I would like it if there was at least one person who knew the real me. But no one is willing to break through. I don’t blame them. Cause breaking through my walls also means opening up a can of worms that I locked up deep inside that no one will be able to handle. Not even me. That’s why it’s locked up. 

I’m also struggling with my spiritual life. I don’t know if In-amen is the right church for me. They don’t have a pastor for the EM. Do I stay and wait for them to find a pastor or do I leave and look for another church? I find myself living for my flesh and not for the Spirit. What happens when Jesus comes down when I’m thinking only about the world? Easy: I get left behind. I need to do something about this. I need an accountability partner. I read the Bible today and came across my favorite verse. Romans 8:38. Look it up. 

I need prayers. I need someone to pray that I will stop being lazy and be more diligent. I need someone to pray that I will take each day as an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. I need someone to pray that God will change me drastically in a good way of course. I need a miracle.